Nuestra Familia Hermosa

A few weeks ago was Grampa & Gramma's 50th anniversary. We got together and had a little photoshoot for them, since we are obviously the reward for their marriage. Hope you enjoy these as much as I do.

Psalm 100

Shout joyfully to the Lord, all you lands; worship the Lord with cries of gladness; come before him with joyful song. Know that the Lord is God, our maker to whom we belong, whose people we are, God's well-tended flock. Enter the temple gates with praise, its courts with thanksgiving. Give thanks to God, bless his name; good indeed is the Lord, whose love endures forever, whose faithfulness lasts through every age.

November 18th

It’s kind of a tradition to write on this day, (old blogs: 11/18/10, 11/18/11) so I figured it was a good time to come back from my writing hiatus. After reading those posts, I was struck by how I have been in a different place each year. Really, I don’t know why this is such a surprise to me. Maybe because at the time I wrote them, I was so sure of myself and thought my view on life would never change. Oh, but I’m constantly being reminded of how life is always moving forward. At first, I was all about living in the moment and doing what you want when you have the chance. The following year I was flat out angry and bitter. This year I have no idea how I’d label my view of life. I do know for certain that it isn’t anything like what it has been before. I’m living in the moment, but not in the positive way I originally intended. Now all I can see is the present: school assignments, studying, IV meetings, working out, tutoring, sleeping (maybe?). Everything has been turned into a checklist.

The worst part is that when something amazing is happening, I can’t even recognize what is going on because I'm already thinking about what's next on my to do list. A couple of times I have sat down and written out things from this semester that I'm thankful for. After getting about 10 things on the list I have to stop, because I get overwhelmed by how powerful God is. Still, when those things were actually happening it’s like the weight of them never registered with me. In the moment I’m aware that something important is going on, but I’ve already moved to the next thing I have to do. 

This weird disconnect between my mind and reality honestly made me think I was becoming schizophrenic for a while. Turns out I was just sleep deprived. Why I strive for perfection to the point of exhaustion doesn’t make any sense to me, but I do know that I have a deeply rooted desire to prove myself. Prove what, you ask? I say, I don’t know. Hence why I’ve started writing again. Slowly, things are coming to the surface that Jesus wants me to deal with. Sigh, but I trust the process.

Again, I don’t know how to label this moment in my life. I do know that where I am now is completely different than where I was three years ago. If you were to have asked me then if I thought that in the future I would be a college student living in Utah, I would have said absolutely not. If you had asked if I thought I would be part of a community of people who truly loved me, I would have told you to stop asking me stupid questions and leave me alone. The change that has happened over the course of just three years is ridiculous, quite honestly. It makes me grateful to be serving a God who takes such good care of his children no matter where they are in life. He is sovereign, and I can’t wait to see where he guides me in the next few years. 

Isaiah 48:17

Thus says the Lord, your redeemer,
the Holy One of Israel:
I, the Lord, your God,
teach you what is for your good, 
and lead you on the way you should go.

First Week Chaos

The past week and a half has been crazy. 

Let’s begin with a 12 hour roadtrip back to Ogden with the parentals. That in itself is craziness. Then something really weird and unexpected happened while I was driving through town: I was happy to be back. Not just because I would be seeing friends soon, but because I was back in the town where I live. 

The next day I went on a leadership retreat with InterVarsity, and my parents went to Yellowstone. Those two days were full of Jesus, and we saw two moose. I didn’t even know they lived in Utah. Then it was back to real life. This is the fifth time that I’ve moved in or out of the dorms, and it’s starting to get old. It didn’t help that our air conditioner wasn’t working (more on that later). 

Of course there was a Friesta, and seeing my parents hanging out with Utah friends has officially become one of my top ten favorite things. My 21st birthday ended the weekend, and I still haven’t fully grasped that reality yet. That night as I was laying in bed (the fifth one that I had occupied in that week), I was in shock that I’m a junior in college and pretty much an adult. 

Then the real fun began. I woke up monday morning and decided to check if my scholarships had gone through. Normally there’s no trouble, and it all happens automatically. Well this time they hadn’t, and the school said I owed them over $2,000 for tuition and a late fee for not having paid it on time. I promptly freaked my freak, and rushed over to campus to get things sorted out. In the time it took me to get there, the scholarship went through. They also took away my late fee. So everything worked out, but I suffered a mild panic attack/heat stroke because the ac in our dorm still wasn’t working. In the past week maintenance has come three times, and it’s currently 80 degrees in the living room (the bedrooms tend to be slightly warmer). Let’s hope that gets fixed soon. My printer also decided to print out nice green pictures for me. I called staples, and they said to run the cleaning cycles. Which I did about a dozen times, and the pictures turned from green to hazy. Yesterday I printed out regular pages and it was fine, so I guess I’ll just have to not print my own pictures. I can live with that. 

This all may seem like bad luck, but I think it’s more. Yes, all of these things are annoyances, but they do a number on me. The first week is difficult enough because I don’t have a routine yet, and these hassles made it worse. I felt unsettled and wished it was summer so that I wouldn’t have to deal with everything that was going on. I think all of this was the enemy trying to derail me by having me focus on the past, which brought despair because it was over. Why would he do that? Something important is happening in the present. The Kingdom is alive and well at Weber (see the following paragraph), and that brings opposition. But despite the battle there is always victory.

The highlight of the week was InterVarsity. We had a proxe station (no, I don’t know what proxe means) on campus for four days. It was about identity and what you are/will be known for. Basically a person will walk up, we’ll ask them questions about their identity, tell them we’re from IV, talk about Jesus, and then invite them to large and small groups. Some are genuinely interested, others not so much. One girl said she wasn't in to religion and asked me where she could find popsicles. 

This year I’ve been given the opportunity to co-lead a Bible study. Talk about crazy. Finding a small group my freshman year was what got me involved with IV, and to be a small group leader just two years later is crazy. It’s overwhelming to see how transforming those two years have been. This week we just met and hung out, but next week we’ll start our study of Matthew. I’m excited about what’s to come this year, and my prayer is that our small group will become a familia. 

There were almost 150 people at our first large group, and that’s amazing. God is doing incredible work here at Weber, and I’m grateful that I get to be a part of it.

During this week I truly felt like an upperclassman. I feel old not just in age, but I feel like a grownup and leader. Talk about crazy.

Not in my bow do I trust, nor does my sword bring me victory.

Psalm 44:7

El Mejor Verano

This summer is finally coming to an end, and it has been fantastic. My heart is filled with joy and gratitude just thinking about all that has happened. The past four months have been relaxing and good for my soul. It was a season of being stable and experiencing peace in unexpected and incredible ways. I’m content, and ready for what comes next. Whatever that may be. 

Here are a few of my favorite things about the summer of 2012...

Spending quality time with one of my best friends

Crowder concert on a baseball field

Reading through Romans with my Mama

My cysta and all that she did for me

Friends that come together without fail

Free tickets to a Diamondbacks game the night before my surgery (I still can’t get over this one)

Spending a week with these crazy boys

Utah friends visiting Prescott

Living in a place that looks like this

Faithful friends that I can always count on

Gramma teaching me how to make tortillas, 

and that she took this picture with my phone

Fishing

Hiking Thumb Butte, after using it to remind me that he would never forsake me, what did Jesus say when we got to the top? 

See, I never left you, did I?

No, He didn't. He has been with me the entire time, and my trust that he always will be is deeper than it ever has been before.

B+

89%. That’s where I am right now. Not 90, because I’m satisfied with that even though it’s only an A-. But 89 is just annoyingly close to an A. 

My body isn’t quite back to normal and my energy gets used up pretty quickly. It has only been six weeks, which seems like a long time but it really isn’t. I didn’t have any expectations for how long recovery was going to be, but apparently I thought I’d be fine by now. Some days that last percent drives me crazy, because I don’t like it when I can’t do what I want to. Being thankful is what gets me through those difficult days. Today I ran a mile, which isn’t that impressive. But I was grateful for every step because last week I couldn’t run that far. This process has shown me how to be humble as well. Admitting that I can’t do something or need someone to do it for me is not one of my skills, but I'm working on it.

I’ve noticed that I haven’t been writing as much lately, and I think that’s because I really don’t have anything to process right now. Forgive my lack of words, but I’m content. And that is beautiful beyond anything I could write.

Here’s some evidence of summer adventures...

Philippians 4:12-13

I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need. I have the strength for everything through him who empowers me. 

Look at Them...

For over a year I’ve been hoping that one day utah friends would visit prescott. So when people actually wanted to come, I could hardly contain my excitement. The two days before everyone arrived I was baking like a crazy person because I was so pumped up. It was a fantastic weekend full of driving around town, hiking (kinda), eating (lots and lots of eating), and experiencing joy at the sight of my friends IN PRESCOTT. 

Thank you for coming, friends. Seeing you hang out with my family was a highlight of my summer. Come back soon. I promise there will be more mexican food. 

Praise the Lord, O my Soul

Just like everything else, recovery is going much better than I thought it would. Last week I was cleared for everyday life besides contact sports, so I’ve been able to run a couple of times. The soreness isn’t too big of a problem, but I do still get tired. It’s a long process, but most of the time I’m fine with resting because I know it’s a good thing. Sometimes I want to get out and do stuff, but then I end up completely wiped out by dinner time. So in the meantime I’ve been reading, watching movies, writing letters, coloring, and working on puzzles. Yesterday I was reading on the front porch, and Robert said when he came home and I wasn’t sitting in my chair, he became a little concerned and didn’t know where I was. I do run errands, which I strategically spread out throughout the week so I get out of the house every few days. 

There are many things* that I’m thankful for. Prayers from family and friends. Kind and encouraging words from people far away. Being able to run when two weeks before I couldn’t even get out of bed. Receiving letters in the mail. Early morning walks. People who are willing to get something for me because I just don’t want to get out of a chair.

I’m most thankful for the little things* that have come up I found difficult or impossible to do. Bending over to put on shoes. Driving. Pouring milk. Laughing. Opening doors with one hand. Sneezing. Rolling over while you’re sleeping. Having the energy to get out of pajamas. Stretching to reach something. Holding something more than five pounds. Getting in and out of a car, bed, or chair. 


* These lists are much longer in real life than they appear in this post.

It’s hard to believe it has only been three weeks. But each day I get up and know that whatever I’m able to do is because of grace. And that is all I need. 

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 

After All, You are Holy

It's not fair.

That was someone's response last week to my latest medical drama. After seeing everything that has happened to my body since I was born, you might say the same thing. It was going through my mind after hearing about my cysta. Along with, you have got to be kidding me, and haven’t I been through enough? 

So why did I resent all of these medical idiosyncrasies that are supposed to make me feel unique? I believed the lie that the only reason they happened is because God really doesn’t love me. But the Truth is that the very things I thought were showing that God loved me less are actually proof of how He loves me. It is because He loves me that I am the way I am. It is because of them that I have found Him. As I question and search for answers, I’m always led back to Him. He is the answer. He’s in everything and it is all meat to bring us closer to Him. Why? Because He loves us. 

The it's not fair reaction isn't what I want to see from myself or others. The few days leading up to my surgery I started to get the sympathetic, oh poor michelle look, and it was driving me crazy. A few months ago it wouldn't have, and I would've jumped right in with feeling sorry for myself. But the difference between then and now is that I have hope that what happens in my life does not go in vain. Hope seems to be the cure for a lot of things. Negativity being one of them. Anger as well. Once those were gone, God was able to move in new ways and show me more about His heart. It's an ongoing and beautiful process, and I am grateful and amazed by His grace as he walks me through life.

God knows me more than I know myself, and what needs to happen in order for me to learn who He is. In giving me the gift of a broken heart, He has shown me how His is broken for us who are living in a fallen world where sickness and pain still exist. But in Him is the hope that there is a place where there will be no more suffering. The place He originally created for us where there is only goodness. So I don’t want people to see my life as being full of unfortunate circumstances. I want them to see victory because of grace and how redeeming God's love can be. Every scar that I have is a mark of His infinitely beautiful and perfect love. 

Speaking of scars, here's another picture that's been requested by a few of you. Not too bad. Only one needed a stitch and the rest they closed with dermabond a.k.a. super glue for your skin. 

Psalm 16:8

I keep the Lord always before me; with the Lord at my right, I shall never be shaken.

Eviction... and Pictures

At first I wasn't sure what kind of details people would want to know about this whole process. Turns out most want to know about the gross stuff. So here are some of the dirty deets. 


As you know, I wasn’t going to know how invasive the surgery was going to be until I woke up. Using a scope was the plan, but old scar tissue might have made that impossible. If that was case, then they would have had to open up my side more. That morning the surgeon came in and seemed pretty sure that the scope alone wasn’t going to be enough. The first thing I asked when I woke up (sorry mom and dad that I didn’t ask to see you) was what they did. The joy and relief I felt when they said the scope worked can’t be described with my vocabulary. If I wasn’t totally drugged up, I would’ve been doing some fist pumps for Jesus, that’s for sure. 

Before the surgery they gave me an epidural (not the c-section kind). It was higher up on my back, and it would give me direct pain meds to where I needed it. I was a fan, but it only stayed in until the next morning. In order to drain where they took out my cysta they put in a chest tube. They took that out the next day too when I stopped leaking. There was a stitch to hold it in place, so when they took it out they used the same one to stitch the hole. There was over a foot of tubing inside of my chest. No wonder I couldn’t breathe. 

There are some rumors going around that I was saying ridiculous things that first day. They are false. Everything I said was completely logical, just out of my character. My family wasn’t prepared. Things are a little fuzzy, but if you remind me of a conversation, I’ll remember it. For example, I reminded them a couple times that I had a hot body.

I requested to see pictures, so here they are. Personally, I think all of this is amazing. Hopefully you do too. If not, you should stop reading now. 

There she is.

My empty stomach... I was hungry.

Here's my lung before they deflated it so it would be out of the way for surgery.

This is my esophagus. The bulge in the top of the picture on the right is being caused by my cysta. She's such a trouble-maker.

This is the actual eviction process. First they uncovered her, and then drained her. She was about the size of a golf ball, and after the liposuction she ended up looking like a deflated balloon.

The top shows that the bulge in my esophagus is no longer there. And the light was to check for holes. Because having a leak in your food tube would be unfortunate. The bottom pictures show where my cysta was, and in the center of the hole you can see the back of my heart. Pretty cool stuff.


1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body.

Peace Beyond Understanding

Seeing everything as grace has allowed me to become thankful. Not only for the good things, but also the bad. When you can thank God for something that on the surface looks pretty crappy, he begins to show you how it can be used for good. And what happens when you pray with thanksgiving? Jesus guards your heart with peace. It doesn’t really make sense, but scripture says that’s how it works. And it’s true. The peace that Jesus was so gracious to give me in the week or so before my surgery was crazy. Really, I didn’t know what it was. I wasn’t nervous or scared anymore. Somehow I was comfortable knowing that whatever happened God was in control, and He knows more than I do what is best. A couple months ago I thanked Him for my cysta, and it was around that time that I began to tell people about my surgery. Since then He has been showing up more and making His presence known. Honestly, I think that if I wasn’t able to be thankful, I would have remained angry throughout this whole process. That would’ve been unfortunate, because there’s no way my heart would have been able to see His grace. 

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus.

This was difficult to write because I could throw a ton of verses out there to make my point and to try and explain myself. But as Jesus told me the other day as I was linking different scripture in my head, You know, it doesn’t really matter what connections you make. I’m in them all anyways. In the end, it’s really about loving Jesus. That’s why He wants you to let Him guard your heart. The gifts He gives are His grace, and it is all because He wants you to fall in love with Him. 

The night before my surgery mi familia and I stayed in Phoenix, because we had to be at the hospital at the butt crack of dawn. After dinner we walked down to the ball field. There was a game, but we weren’t planning on going. As we were walking past the gates a worker came after us and asked if we were going to get tickets. We said no, and he then proceeded to say that he had four free tickets if we wanted them and that they were good seats. Obviously, we took him up on the offer. Turns out the seats were 30 rows behind the Diamondbacks dugout. The guys next to us had bought eight tickets, but didn’t need four of them. So they left the rest at the gate, and told them to give them to someone who could use them. We must have looked pretty pathetic walking by. The game was incredible. We won 10-0, and had a season high 17 hits, three of which were home runs. The entire game we would just look at each other and start laughing because we couldn’t believe what was happening. I love everything about going to a ball game. It was exactly where I needed to be that night, and the tickets were a gift from Jesus. He knows knows my heart and exactly what will make me love Him. He knows how to give me peace.

If that isn’t enough, what was the saxophone player on the corner playing as we were leaving? Jesus loves me. Yeah, He does. And I love Him back. 

Numbers 6:24-26

The Lord bless you and keep you! The Lord let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you! The Lord look upon you kindly and give you peace!

Faithful Friends

Sirach 6:14-17

Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter;

whoever finds one finds a treasure.

Faithful friends are beyond price,

no amount can balance their worth.

Faithful friends are life-saving medicine;

those who fear God will find them.

Those who fear the Lord enjoy stable friendship, for as they are, 

so will their neighbors be.

Amos 3:3

Do two walk together unless they have agreed?

Check out these beautiful flowers from utah amigas. They are so wonderful.