It's not fair.
That was someone's response last week to my latest medical drama. After seeing everything that has happened to my body since I was born, you might say the same thing. It was going through my mind after hearing about my cysta. Along with, you have got to be kidding me, and haven’t I been through enough?
So why did I resent all of these medical idiosyncrasies that are supposed to make me feel unique? I believed the lie that the only reason they happened is because God really doesn’t love me. But the Truth is that the very things I thought were showing that God loved me less are actually proof of how He loves me. It is because He loves me that I am the way I am. It is because of them that I have found Him. As I question and search for answers, I’m always led back to Him. He is the answer. He’s in everything and it is all meat to bring us closer to Him. Why? Because He loves us.
The it's not fair reaction isn't what I want to see from myself or others. The few days leading up to my surgery I started to get the sympathetic, oh poor michelle look, and it was driving me crazy. A few months ago it wouldn't have, and I would've jumped right in with feeling sorry for myself. But the difference between then and now is that I have hope that what happens in my life does not go in vain. Hope seems to be the cure for a lot of things. Negativity being one of them. Anger as well. Once those were gone, God was able to move in new ways and show me more about His heart. It's an ongoing and beautiful process, and I am grateful and amazed by His grace as he walks me through life.
God knows me more than I know myself, and what needs to happen in order for me to learn who He is. In giving me the gift of a broken heart, He has shown me how His is broken for us who are living in a fallen world where sickness and pain still exist. But in Him is the hope that there is a place where there will be no more suffering. The place He originally created for us where there is only goodness. So I don’t want people to see my life as being full of unfortunate circumstances. I want them to see victory because of grace and how redeeming God's love can be. Every scar that I have is a mark of His infinitely beautiful and perfect love.
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Speaking of scars, here's another picture that's been requested by a few of you. Not too bad. Only one needed a stitch and the rest they closed with dermabond a.k.a. super glue for your skin.
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I keep the Lord always before me; with the Lord at my right, I shall never be shaken.
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