Fear vs. Faith

      Back during spring break I once again went with InterVarsity to chapter camp. Last year we studied the first half of Mark in New Mexico, and this year we went through the second half on Catalina Island. I won’t be able to come even close to telling you everything, because there were a lot of things I saw/learned/felt (which wasn’t always an enjoyable experience). One of the passages that had the biggest impact on me was the story of Peter and the progression of his relationship with Jesus. 

Let’s start at the Last Supper where Jesus tells the disciples that their faith will be shaken and they will fall away, because He’s about to be killed. Peter speaks up and says that everyone else might fall away, but he won’t. So Jesus informs Peter that in reality he’s going to deny Jesus three times that night before the rooster crows twice. With conviction Peter responds that he will die before he denies Jesus. Oh, Peter.

  Now Jesus heads to the garden to pray along with his three closest disciples, which includes Peter. Jesus asks them to stay awake with him, but they fall asleep. Three times. Then things start to get crazy. When Jesus is arrested, Peter cuts off one of the guard’s ears with his sword. (sidenote: did Jesus heal the guard?) At first I was thinking that Peter was simply protecting Jesus, but really Peter was protecting himself. Jesus had been telling the disciples for a while that he was going to die, which meant that they were going to suffer too. Well Peter, like every other human, isn’t too excited about suffering. So when Jesus’ plans started to involve things he didn’t care for, he tried to take things into his own hands. 

  As Jesus is being led away, the disciples forsake Him and leave. Why? They let fear take over their faith. Peter followed behind Jesus at a distance, and stayed outside the courts where Jesus was being questioned. This is when Peter first denied Jesus. Then with each subsequent denial, Peter moved farther away from Him. First to the outer courts and eventually outside of them. Immediately following the third denial, the rooster crowed for the second time. Peter then remembered what Jesus told him was going to happen, and he broke down and cried. More than that, I think Peter remembered his response to Jesus, “I will not deny you.” But he did. Three times. No wonder some translations say Peter wept bitterly, or with intense pain.

What makes you forsake Jesus?

     This is when everyone rebukes the disciples for their foolishness, especially Peter. He saw Jesus in all His glory and denied Him? How could he do such a thing? It’s pretty simple. He let fear harden his heart and kill his faith. 

  At this point it hit me. And I’m not joking around with the hitting. It felt like Jesus punched me. With Love, of course. I am Peter. The Spirit of God lives in me, yet I still live by fear instead of faith. I deny Jesus when I don’t trust Him or let Him have control in my life. His plans for me involve suffering, so I run around chopping off ears. 

  But there’s hope! At this point in the story the number three starts showing up all over the place. It stands for completion. But do you remember how many times the rooster crowed after Peter denied Jesus? Twice. Just short of three, incomplete. Yes, Peter denied and forsook Jesus, but his story isn’t complete. There’s still hope. The benefit of realizing you’re exactly like Peter? Your story isn’t finished either. Not even close.

Mark 9:23-24

Jesus said to him, "'If you can!' Everything is possible to one who has faith." Then the boy's father cried out, “I do believe, Help my unbelief!”

Dear God, please make teleportation a reality

In 25 days I’ll be in Prescott, and won’t be coming back to Ogden for about four months. I’m very torn about this. I really want to go home, because I miss it and my family dearly. I've been more homesick this year than I ever was last year. And honestly, I’m tired of my dorm right now. Not to mention Arizona is about a million times better than Utah. Utah has bad drivers, depressing winters, and a really weird culture in general. It’s beautiful, but it’s just not home. And it never will be. 

This past week I was with friends socializing every day. That may not sound like a big deal, but if you knew how much of an introvert I am, you’d understand. Today I was pretty exhausted and spent some much needed time alone to recover. But you know what? I wouldn’t have wanted this week to have gone any other way. My family here is incredible. To watch Love work through them is about the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. Sometimes I think about how all of our lives were planned in such a way that we would meet, and to me that’s a pretty clear display of God’s power. Then I wonder what my life would look like if I hadn’t come to Utah, and my heart breaks a little. 

Here’s the problem with the socializing thing: your relationships grow stronger. So here I am loving every minute I spend with everyone, and then in just three weeks, that’s all going to be gone. Don’t get me wrong, I can’t wait to see my P-Town friends, go to P-Mountain, and drive around town drinking icees. It’s just that I feel like the climax of friendships are happening right now, and then I’m going to leave. Yes, there’s the FB and texting and letters, but those will never come close to replacing time spent with people just hanging out at a coffee shop. 

These crazy people are a huge part of my life, and to not have them there at least four days a week is going to be strange. Honestly, I just don’t like the idea at all. My Utah family walked with me through this season of preparation and waiting, and not having them there for what I was getting ready for is kind of scary to think about. It’s not that I’ll be alone back home, but the relationships I have here are different. Here people know what being an ISTJ means and that I’m a gifts and words of affirmation person. They also know that I’m not a physical touch person. So they ask first if it's ok for them to put their hand on my shoulder, and that itself brings more comfort to me than I can explain. 

God’s Love is present in both my Arizona and Utah families, but it works in different ways in each of them. In order to get through this summer I know I’m going to need to rely on God and others in ways that I haven’t before. And I really wish my Utah family could be in Arizona so that could happen. 

Philippians 1:3-4

I give thanks to my God at every remembrance of you, 

praying always with joy in my every prayer for all of you

The Truth Will Out

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