Silly Little Tree

Today is important to me, so I went back and read this. Did I really write that? Apparently I did, and I vaguely remember doing so. After reading it, I wish I felt energized to go out and live life to the full. Not so much. I’m angry with myself for giving up all of that gratefulness and hope and joy that I had last year. At first I thought it was stolen from me, because there was no way I would have been willing to give up those things that brought me so much life. Who in their right mind would trade happiness for discontent? This girl, right here. 

Here’s how I picture the tradeoff: I gave God my heart. I surrendered, and He filled my hands with goodness. They were overflowing with life, and I was satisfied. Then He started doing some stuff that I didn’t particularly enjoy, and I lost faith in His plan. So I took back my heart, and gave up the goodness that was in my life. All in exchange for having control, because I didn’t think God knew what He was doing. And my heart became hardened in my own hands. The really unfortunate part about this is that I had no idea this little tradeoff happened. It was sometime over the summer, and I knew something was going terribly wrong in my soul, but I’m just now seeing what the problem is. And so here I sit asking myself, “If tomorrow doesn’t come, will you be happy with who you were today?” Nope. Not at all. 

The other day I read a blog that asked if Truth could be tiring. After only reading the title my response was- of course it can be! Jesus is wearing me out right now. Turns out that’s not what the entry was about, but sometimes when your mind takes things out of context, you realize what you’re truly thinking. Anyways, shortly following my immediate answer I quickly realized I’m the one making myself tired. I’m resisting Jesus. You know the I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy line from How He Loves? I’m the tree. A ridiculously stubborn tree who won’t just fall over already so Jesus can build me up and change me in such a way that will bring Him glory.

So the obvious thing for me to do is to just surrender, right? Well, yeah, but that’s really hard. Here’s what I see in my mind right now: Jesus and I were hanging out just fine until life started to get a little crazy and chaotic. I saw that junk more than I could see Him, and I ran away to find other comforters (not the blankets) and anything that would bring me peace. So now the craziness is separating me from Jesus, but He is the only One who can bring me the peace I’m desperately seeking and needing. The problem is, I’m going to have to step into the chaos before getting to Him. As I’m walking through it, He’ll rescue me. Side note: a synonym of chaos is hell. 

Taking that step sounds easy and well worth it. But I don’t know what all is going to happen when I let go and try to cross the chasm, so I'm scared of the disorder I'm going to experience. Instead of having faith, I’m white-knuckled trying to hold on to as much control in my life that I possibly can. It’s literally a death grip, because I’m killing my own soul. I’m quenching the Spirit. 

I’m aware that this all sounds really bad. But honestly, I’m tired of pretending that I have everything together. Sometimes following Jesus is hard, and I’m not going to leave those parts out of my story. But you know what the weird thing is? There is still this part of me that knows good will come out of this. I guess that's the small part of the Spirit still living in my hardened heart. 

So today I’m going to be more grateful, and hopefully tonight I will feel content. What’s first on my list of things to be thankful for? God’s patience. 

Galatians 5:7-8

You were running well, who hindered you from following the truth? That enticement does not come from the one who called you.