The way in which the Lord guides me along in my life is the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. He takes me step by step, revealing things to me at exactly the right moment. He knows when I will understand what He’s trying to show me, and what I can handle. This past week He’s been showing up in ways that make my heart rejoice and have assured me that my whole dark night of the soul season is over. I don’t know what you’d call this current season, but I’m sure that God will be letting me know about that soon too.
Lately I’ve been finding myself feeling completely exhausted, and this semester has only begun. The bad thing is that I really don't have that much work to do. It is definitely not as much as last semester. But I think God is allowing me to freak my freak in order for me to see how ridiculous my worries are. So I decided that I'm tired because I'm striving for the wrong things. If I were, God would be giving me the rest I so desperately need. So I asked, what am I supposed to be working towards? Then God showed me this:
Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.
As you can imagine, this verse has been weighing heavily on me the past week. Not in a crushing and negative way, but it has led me to look at my life and see where I seek my own desires instead of God’s desires for me. I’ve found areas where I haven’t let God have a say. Now this realization has been a crushing weight, because I see how wrong it is, and how it’s keeping me from God. It’s holding me back from living the abundant life that He’s promised me.
I make a lot of plans for myself. They are reasonable, and I think that’s why I never wondered if those plans were in line with God’s plans. For example, I want to get a 4.0. Is that so wrong? Not necessarily. However, during the past couple weeks my stress about school has been the worst I can ever remember it being. So why am I so worried about having perfect grades? I think perfection will bring me happiness. That maybe if I get just one more A I’ll feel complete. I’ll be content. For as long as I can remember I’ve been known as a smart person, and I have to keep my rep. Here’s a secret for you: I’m not smart. I just study well and can figure out what a teacher wants you to know. But the biggest reason I strive for perfection is because I have control over the outcome of my grades. My grades directly reflect my efforts. There are a lot of other areas of my life in which it seems like my efforts are really for nothing. I don’t drink or smoke, or eat ramen for every meal, and my body is still falling apart. I feel like I’m fairly normal, bathe regularly, and I don’t think I’m completely unfortunate looking, but I’ve yet to have a guy pursue me. I want to run 3 or 4 days a week, but my legs won’t let me. With school I can work hard and I’ll get an A. It’s simple and rewarding, which is nice when everything else in my life is so freaking complicated.
I also planned on running a half marathon in the Whiskey Row in the beginning of May. Training for that could be 10-14 weeks, but before that can even start I’d have to be running 15 miles each week. Totally achievable, but over the break I hurt my leg because I started running too much too soon last semester. I was a running animal, and it was great. Until my body finally decided to let me know that I’m not invincible like I believe I am. There’s a rule that says you should only increase your weekly milage by 10%. Well me being Super Michelle and all, I didn’t think that applied to me. I also didn’t think that the rest day rule applied to me either. Turns out it did. Call me Mediocre Michelle.
In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.
So I asked to know what I should be striving for, and I found places where I don’t put the kingdom first. Now what? Well as the words of one of my new favorite songs says, Oh what am I supposed to do but surrender?
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