Step 2

Surrender is an interesting thing. It’s preached as something you do when you want God to use you to further the kingdom. This is true. But there is a key part of the process that isn’t talked about quite as much, and it may be the most important. You can tell God to use you, but you must be willing to give up your own desires and plans first. You have to give God control. Well really, He’s already in control. So it’s more like you learning to stop trying to control your life. For a control freak like me this could possibly be the most scary/daunting/crippling concept I’ve ever had to process through. Me not have control? Do you know what could happen? Well I’d be living a life with abundant freedom, joy, hope, peace, and comfort. Oh. I could use some of those things. 

I’ve always had a difficult time distinguishing the difference between complete surrender and apathy. It’s not like I can say, take my life for Your glory, and then sit back and my life will go on. I still have to go out and live, which is far from being apathetic. If I’m living a life of surrender, then I will move along the path He’s created for me, trusting and content with whatever happens. If I’m striving for something that doesn’t bring God glory, then my work is useless. Whatever I get out of it will mean nothing. If I’m striving for the kingdom, no matter what I do, He will be glorified. That is what I want my life to be about. 

Now the difficult part. Surrender. Giving up control. Trusting in God’s plan for me. Aye.

I don’t know what God’s plan for my school is. All I know is that I’ve been given an incredible opportunity to go to college, and I need to focus on that. Still, it needs to be a healthy focus and I shouldn’t put school above God or my own sanity and well-being. Trying to be perfect makes me sick sometimes. That’s no bueno. I’ve constantly been reminding myself the measure you give is the measure you get a.k.a. what you put into something is what you’ll get out of it. I’ve found peace knowing that God won’t let my efforts be in vain. This has also taken off the pressure to be perfect. If I happen to get a 4.0, that’s great. If I get less than that, that’s fine too. Who am I to question God’s plan for me?

After I was hurt during break I had to start over with running. Right now I’m barely running 4 miles a week. I did the math, and following the 10% rule, I won’t be running 15 weekly miles until May. So that half marathon I’ve been planning on running since August? Yeah, that’s not going to happen. But the measure you give is the measure you get, right? If I just put in my miles, no matter how little I think it is, I will eventually work up to my goal. I know running may not seem like spiritual problem, but it is. And if I can’t give up control over this or other small matters in my life, then I will never be able to give God control of the larger things that are coming up in the near future. If I can’t trust Him that my life won’t fall apart if I don’t get a 4.0, then how will I ever be able to trust Him when it comes to following Him to the cross? 

Romans 8:28

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

Coming to a better understanding of all of this has brought me peace. I can’t even describe it to you. And the fact that for the past who knows how many months I’ve been telling God (sometimes yelling) that all I wanted was peace and to be content makes how I feel right now even better. This seeking the kingdom first is pretty fantastic, let me tell you. Now it doesn’t mean that if I follow God, everything in my life will be perfect. It means that if I put Him first, things will fall into place the way He’s planned. And His plan for me is perfect. Whatever happens is for a reason, which is something that has been proved over and over again in my life. I just need to remember that. I need to stop fighting Him, and start fighting for the kingdom. I can only hope that after all of this one day I will hear, “Well done, my good and faithful servant. Since you were faithful in small matters, I will give you great responsibilities. Come, share your master’s joy.”

Psalm 37:5

Commit your way to the Lord; trust that God will act.

Step 1

Originally this post was incredibly long, so to save your eyeballs (and build suspense because I know it will be a cliffhanger) I’ve split it into two parts. I don’t know about you, but sometimes I’m just not in the mood to read a super long blog. And I want people to read this one. Not because I want to feel cool, but because this is important to me, and I hope that you will find it important to you as well. I mean, I kind of bore my soul in this thing. On second thought, maybe I should just make it lengthy so people won’t read it. Or maybe I should just stop right now and forget about it. Maybe I should just let you read...

The way in which the Lord guides me along in my life is the most amazing thing I’ve ever experienced. He takes me step by step, revealing things to me at exactly the right moment. He knows when I will understand what He’s trying to show me, and what I can handle. This past week He’s been showing up in ways that make my heart rejoice and have assured me that my whole dark night of the soul season is over. I don’t know what you’d call this current season, but I’m sure that God will be letting me know about that soon too. 

Lately I’ve been finding myself feeling completely exhausted, and this semester has only begun. The bad thing is that I really don't have that much work to do. It is definitely not as much as last semester. But I think God is allowing me to freak my freak in order for me to see how ridiculous my worries are. So I decided that I'm tired because I'm striving for the wrong things. If I were, God would be giving me the rest I so desperately need. So I asked, what am I supposed to be working towards? Then God showed me this:

Matthew 6:33

Seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be given you besides.

As you can imagine, this verse has been weighing heavily on me the past week. Not in a crushing and negative way, but it has led me to look at my life and see where I seek my own desires instead of God’s desires for me. I’ve found areas where I haven’t let God have a say. Now this realization has been a crushing weight, because I see how wrong it is, and how it’s keeping me from God. It’s holding me back from living the abundant life that He’s promised me. 

I make a lot of plans for myself. They are reasonable, and I think that’s why I never wondered if those plans were in line with God’s plans. For example, I want to get a 4.0. Is that so wrong? Not necessarily. However,  during the past couple weeks my stress about school has been the worst I can ever remember it being. So why am I so worried about having perfect grades? I think perfection will bring me happiness. That maybe if I get just one more A I’ll feel complete. I’ll be content. For as long as I can remember I’ve been known as a smart person, and I have to keep my rep. Here’s a secret for you: I’m not smart. I just study well and can figure out what a teacher wants you to know. But the biggest reason I strive for perfection is because I have control over the outcome of my grades. My grades directly reflect my efforts. There are a lot of other areas of my life in which it seems like my efforts are really for nothing. I don’t drink or smoke, or eat ramen for every meal, and my body is still falling apart. I feel like I’m fairly normal, bathe regularly, and I don’t think I’m completely unfortunate looking, but I’ve yet to have a guy pursue me. I want to run 3 or 4 days a week, but my legs won’t let me. With school I can work hard and I’ll get an A. It’s simple and rewarding, which is nice when everything else in my life is so freaking complicated. 

I also planned on running a half marathon in the Whiskey Row in the beginning of May. Training for that could be 10-14 weeks, but before that can even start I’d have to be running 15 miles each week. Totally achievable, but over the break I hurt my leg because I started running too much too soon last semester. I was a running animal, and it was great. Until my body finally decided to let me know that I’m not invincible like I believe I am. There’s a rule that says you should only increase your weekly milage by 10%. Well me being Super Michelle and all, I didn’t think that applied to me. I also didn’t think that the rest day rule applied to me either. Turns out it did. Call me Mediocre Michelle. 

Proverbs 16:9

In his mind a man plans his course, but the Lord directs his steps.

So I asked to know what I should be striving for, and I found places where I don’t put the kingdom first. Now what? Well as the words of one of my new favorite songs says, Oh what am I supposed to do but surrender?

I Love Airports

I’m currently in Denver on a layover on my way to visit Morgan. I’ve been a blogging machine while I’ve been waiting (yes, I have homework I should probably be doing, but that just wasn't all that appealing). Except I felt that the following two weren’t long enough to get their own entry. So I’m taking the liberty of making a post that includes them both. It’s my blog. I do what I want.

Time has been so weird lately. First off, it’s going by at light speed. This school year is more than halfway over. Robert gets his permit in April. College is almost halfway done. I’m 20 (just had to throw that in there because I still can’t believe that one). But then I look back to August and it seems like that was far more than five months ago. It’s like it was a completely different life. It’s hard to explain. And now this time warp is getting more intense. I honestly lose track of days. It’s Monday and the next thing I know it’s Sunday. I suppose this is nice except that sometimes I also can’t keep straight when the last time I talked to people was. I forget when the last time was that I talked on the phone with my family. So terribly sorry if we haven’t spoken recently. I promise I’m not forgetting you. Sometimes I feel like yesterday wasn’t even real. Even the morning seems foreign to me some days. The person I was then or the day before or months ago isn’t recognizable anymore. 

And I think that’s the point. It's further confirmation that I should be focused on today, who I’ve become, and who I’m supposed to be in this moment. Yes the past is important, but I am always moving forward. This is also showing me how following Jesus truly is a day to day choice. Lately if I don’t consciously say, I’m going to seek your face today, I start chasing other things and it all goes downhill from there.

Joshua 24:15

If it does not please you to serve the Lord, decide today whom you will serve

Speaking of Jesus... I realized today how most of my entries are about Him. Last year I remember that I’d only write about God every once in a while because I didn’t want to turn people away or seem too preachy. Clearly that thought process has stopped and I just write about what I’m learning in my life. Turns out He holds it all together. So I apologize if you’re not into the God thing, but I enjoy Him.

Deuteronomy 4:24

For the Lord, your God, is a consuming fire, a jealous God.

Do you see Him yet?

There are verses that I come across and immediately fall in love with. I think they’re great and worth remembering. Then months later, I come to realize the full weight of their words. Psalm 105:4 is one of those verses that stuck with me probably about a year ago, and I’m just now finding how it fits in my life.

Psalm 105:4

Rely on the might Lord;

constantly seek his face.

When God wants me to learn something He will often bring up the topic in as many parts of my life as possible, which always manages to grab my attention. Like this “seek His face” thing.  In literally every single prayer over the past few weeks it’s been said. There was practically an entire chapter about it in a book I’ve been reading. So what does it mean to seek His face? Lately for me it’s been seeing where Jesus is in my life. Not just seeing how He’s working and moving, but where He is as a person. He promises that He’ll never leave us, so He has to be around somewhere. Even in difficult situations. Even when I choose to live by my own desires instead of His. He’s there the whole time.

I find myself trying to picture where He is at certain points in my day. I don’t know if this is entirely correct or reverent, or if I sound like I’ve lost my mind. Like right now as I’m sitting in my comfy chair writing this, He’s sitting on my bed. Earlier in chem lab He was on the counter. Other times He is holding me and comforting me. Try it for yourself some time. You are missing out if you’ve never pictured Jesus running and wearing a pair of nikes. In all of these situations He is always looking at me, interested in whatever it is I’m doing as if it’s the only thing He wants to do. And no, I don’t think that’s creepy. I think it’s beautiful. I mean seriously, millions of people fell in love with Twilight despite the fact that Edward is a massive creeper. They think his hovering is showing the depths of his love. If only they knew the One who invented protecting as an act of Love.

Psalm 121:5

The Lord is your guardian; the Lord is your shade at your right hand.

A question was brought up the other day was, do you still praise God in tough situations? Then it hit me. If you’re seeking His face, you will be able to praise Him in all situations. If you’re seeking Him with all your heart, you will find Him. And when you do see Him, the only thing you will be able to do is praise. 

Jeremiah 29:13-14

When you look for me, you will find me. Yes, when you seek me with all your heart, you will find me with you, says the Lord 

Panic Attack

Since coming back from break I’ve had far too many up and downs for my liking, and really for my sanity. For whatever reason I let worry about this upcoming semester completely derail me, and I found myself freaking out and questioning my purpose in life. But in a moment of clarity, or perhaps pure exhaustion, I realized something that I feel is pretty important. I’ve become consumed with figuring out what my next step is, but instead I should be focused on what I was created to do in this moment. Today is really all I have, and I need to focus on whatever that particular day requires of me. I’ve tried to live in the moment before, and it worked well when life was exciting. But the excitement wasn’t meant to last forever, and when it wore off, I felt like my life had become mundane and purposeless. But everything has a purpose, right? And maybe today my purpose is to work on homework, or to go for a run, or to go to school, or maybe by the grace of God I’m supposed to take a nap in the afternoon. I need to stop searching and wondering about the future and start living by what God has been teaching me lately. He’s given me more than enough to work with. 

Lamentations 3:17-26
My soul is deprived of peace, I have forgotten what happiness is; I tell myself my future is lost, all that I hoped for from the Lord. The thought of my homeless poverty is wormwood and gall; remembering it over and over leaves my soul downcast within me. But I will call this to mind, as my reason to have hope: 

The favors of the Lord are not exhausted, his mercies are not spent; they are renewed each morning, so great is his faithfulness. My portion is the Lord, says my soul; therefore will I hope in him. Good is the Lord to one who waits for him, to the soul that seeks him; it is good to hope in silence for the saving help of the Lord.

The Best Medicine

For those of you who have asked what I did over break, this pretty much explains it. 

We laughed. All the time.

Job 8:21

Once more he will fill your mouth with laughter, and your lips with rejoicing.