Praise the Lord, O my Soul

Just like everything else, recovery is going much better than I thought it would. Last week I was cleared for everyday life besides contact sports, so I’ve been able to run a couple of times. The soreness isn’t too big of a problem, but I do still get tired. It’s a long process, but most of the time I’m fine with resting because I know it’s a good thing. Sometimes I want to get out and do stuff, but then I end up completely wiped out by dinner time. So in the meantime I’ve been reading, watching movies, writing letters, coloring, and working on puzzles. Yesterday I was reading on the front porch, and Robert said when he came home and I wasn’t sitting in my chair, he became a little concerned and didn’t know where I was. I do run errands, which I strategically spread out throughout the week so I get out of the house every few days. 

There are many things* that I’m thankful for. Prayers from family and friends. Kind and encouraging words from people far away. Being able to run when two weeks before I couldn’t even get out of bed. Receiving letters in the mail. Early morning walks. People who are willing to get something for me because I just don’t want to get out of a chair.

I’m most thankful for the little things* that have come up I found difficult or impossible to do. Bending over to put on shoes. Driving. Pouring milk. Laughing. Opening doors with one hand. Sneezing. Rolling over while you’re sleeping. Having the energy to get out of pajamas. Stretching to reach something. Holding something more than five pounds. Getting in and out of a car, bed, or chair. 


* These lists are much longer in real life than they appear in this post.

It’s hard to believe it has only been three weeks. But each day I get up and know that whatever I’m able to do is because of grace. And that is all I need. 

2 Corinthians 12: 9-10

But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for power is made perfect in weakness." I will rather boast most gladly of my weaknesses, in order that the power of Christ may dwell with me. Therefore, I am content with weaknesses, insults, hardships, persecutions, and constraints, for the sake of Christ; for when I am weak, then I am strong. 

After All, You are Holy

It's not fair.

That was someone's response last week to my latest medical drama. After seeing everything that has happened to my body since I was born, you might say the same thing. It was going through my mind after hearing about my cysta. Along with, you have got to be kidding me, and haven’t I been through enough? 

So why did I resent all of these medical idiosyncrasies that are supposed to make me feel unique? I believed the lie that the only reason they happened is because God really doesn’t love me. But the Truth is that the very things I thought were showing that God loved me less are actually proof of how He loves me. It is because He loves me that I am the way I am. It is because of them that I have found Him. As I question and search for answers, I’m always led back to Him. He is the answer. He’s in everything and it is all meat to bring us closer to Him. Why? Because He loves us. 

The it's not fair reaction isn't what I want to see from myself or others. The few days leading up to my surgery I started to get the sympathetic, oh poor michelle look, and it was driving me crazy. A few months ago it wouldn't have, and I would've jumped right in with feeling sorry for myself. But the difference between then and now is that I have hope that what happens in my life does not go in vain. Hope seems to be the cure for a lot of things. Negativity being one of them. Anger as well. Once those were gone, God was able to move in new ways and show me more about His heart. It's an ongoing and beautiful process, and I am grateful and amazed by His grace as he walks me through life.

God knows me more than I know myself, and what needs to happen in order for me to learn who He is. In giving me the gift of a broken heart, He has shown me how His is broken for us who are living in a fallen world where sickness and pain still exist. But in Him is the hope that there is a place where there will be no more suffering. The place He originally created for us where there is only goodness. So I don’t want people to see my life as being full of unfortunate circumstances. I want them to see victory because of grace and how redeeming God's love can be. Every scar that I have is a mark of His infinitely beautiful and perfect love. 

Speaking of scars, here's another picture that's been requested by a few of you. Not too bad. Only one needed a stitch and the rest they closed with dermabond a.k.a. super glue for your skin. 

Psalm 16:8

I keep the Lord always before me; with the Lord at my right, I shall never be shaken.

Eviction... and Pictures

At first I wasn't sure what kind of details people would want to know about this whole process. Turns out most want to know about the gross stuff. So here are some of the dirty deets. 


As you know, I wasn’t going to know how invasive the surgery was going to be until I woke up. Using a scope was the plan, but old scar tissue might have made that impossible. If that was case, then they would have had to open up my side more. That morning the surgeon came in and seemed pretty sure that the scope alone wasn’t going to be enough. The first thing I asked when I woke up (sorry mom and dad that I didn’t ask to see you) was what they did. The joy and relief I felt when they said the scope worked can’t be described with my vocabulary. If I wasn’t totally drugged up, I would’ve been doing some fist pumps for Jesus, that’s for sure. 

Before the surgery they gave me an epidural (not the c-section kind). It was higher up on my back, and it would give me direct pain meds to where I needed it. I was a fan, but it only stayed in until the next morning. In order to drain where they took out my cysta they put in a chest tube. They took that out the next day too when I stopped leaking. There was a stitch to hold it in place, so when they took it out they used the same one to stitch the hole. There was over a foot of tubing inside of my chest. No wonder I couldn’t breathe. 

There are some rumors going around that I was saying ridiculous things that first day. They are false. Everything I said was completely logical, just out of my character. My family wasn’t prepared. Things are a little fuzzy, but if you remind me of a conversation, I’ll remember it. For example, I reminded them a couple times that I had a hot body.

I requested to see pictures, so here they are. Personally, I think all of this is amazing. Hopefully you do too. If not, you should stop reading now. 

There she is.

My empty stomach... I was hungry.

Here's my lung before they deflated it so it would be out of the way for surgery.

This is my esophagus. The bulge in the top of the picture on the right is being caused by my cysta. She's such a trouble-maker.

This is the actual eviction process. First they uncovered her, and then drained her. She was about the size of a golf ball, and after the liposuction she ended up looking like a deflated balloon.

The top shows that the bulge in my esophagus is no longer there. And the light was to check for holes. Because having a leak in your food tube would be unfortunate. The bottom pictures show where my cysta was, and in the center of the hole you can see the back of my heart. Pretty cool stuff.


1 Corinthians 6:19-20
Do you not know that your body is a temple of the holy Spirit within you, whom you have from God, and that you are not your own? For you have been purchased at a price. Therefore glorify God in your body.

Peace Beyond Understanding

Seeing everything as grace has allowed me to become thankful. Not only for the good things, but also the bad. When you can thank God for something that on the surface looks pretty crappy, he begins to show you how it can be used for good. And what happens when you pray with thanksgiving? Jesus guards your heart with peace. It doesn’t really make sense, but scripture says that’s how it works. And it’s true. The peace that Jesus was so gracious to give me in the week or so before my surgery was crazy. Really, I didn’t know what it was. I wasn’t nervous or scared anymore. Somehow I was comfortable knowing that whatever happened God was in control, and He knows more than I do what is best. A couple months ago I thanked Him for my cysta, and it was around that time that I began to tell people about my surgery. Since then He has been showing up more and making His presence known. Honestly, I think that if I wasn’t able to be thankful, I would have remained angry throughout this whole process. That would’ve been unfortunate, because there’s no way my heart would have been able to see His grace. 

Philippians 4:4-7

Rejoice in the Lord always. I shall say it again: rejoice! your kindness should be known to all. The Lord is near. Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and mind in Christ Jesus.

This was difficult to write because I could throw a ton of verses out there to make my point and to try and explain myself. But as Jesus told me the other day as I was linking different scripture in my head, You know, it doesn’t really matter what connections you make. I’m in them all anyways. In the end, it’s really about loving Jesus. That’s why He wants you to let Him guard your heart. The gifts He gives are His grace, and it is all because He wants you to fall in love with Him. 

The night before my surgery mi familia and I stayed in Phoenix, because we had to be at the hospital at the butt crack of dawn. After dinner we walked down to the ball field. There was a game, but we weren’t planning on going. As we were walking past the gates a worker came after us and asked if we were going to get tickets. We said no, and he then proceeded to say that he had four free tickets if we wanted them and that they were good seats. Obviously, we took him up on the offer. Turns out the seats were 30 rows behind the Diamondbacks dugout. The guys next to us had bought eight tickets, but didn’t need four of them. So they left the rest at the gate, and told them to give them to someone who could use them. We must have looked pretty pathetic walking by. The game was incredible. We won 10-0, and had a season high 17 hits, three of which were home runs. The entire game we would just look at each other and start laughing because we couldn’t believe what was happening. I love everything about going to a ball game. It was exactly where I needed to be that night, and the tickets were a gift from Jesus. He knows knows my heart and exactly what will make me love Him. He knows how to give me peace.

If that isn’t enough, what was the saxophone player on the corner playing as we were leaving? Jesus loves me. Yeah, He does. And I love Him back. 

Numbers 6:24-26

The Lord bless you and keep you! The Lord let his face shine upon you, and be gracious to you! The Lord look upon you kindly and give you peace!

Faithful Friends

Sirach 6:14-17

Faithful friends are a sturdy shelter;

whoever finds one finds a treasure.

Faithful friends are beyond price,

no amount can balance their worth.

Faithful friends are life-saving medicine;

those who fear God will find them.

Those who fear the Lord enjoy stable friendship, for as they are, 

so will their neighbors be.

Amos 3:3

Do two walk together unless they have agreed?

Check out these beautiful flowers from utah amigas. They are so wonderful.

This is Love

Thank you all for your love, prayers, visits, and support. It means the world to me. For now all I can do is post pictures. Words will come later.

1 John 4:18-19

There is no fear in love, but perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment, and so one who fears is not yet perfect in love. We love because he first loved us.

You are my Shepherd

Finding Him in a Thumb

Thumb Butte is one of the most well-known features of Prescott (like biscuit), which is proven by the fact that it's on 99% of P-Town postcards. It’s big, and not hard to find. It’s hard to describe because honestly, it’s just there. Since I’ve been home, I’m finding that I can see it no matter where I am in town. I understand that sounds dumb, but apparently I just glanced over it before. Kind of like how it took me ten months of living in Ogden to realize that the massive of body of water to the west was actually the Salt Lake. Seriously, I see it EVERYWHERE I go, even when I'm not looking for it. The other day while driving I looked in my mirror, and there it was. 

This was the answer to me asking God to let me see how He will never forsake me. He's using something that has been there my entire life to show me that He's always been there and always will be. He is beautiful. 

Psalm 121

The Lord my Guardian

I raise my eyes toward the mountains. From where will my help come? My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth. God will not allow your foot to slip; your guardian does not sleep. Truly, the guardian of Israel never slumbers nor sleeps. The Lord is your guardian; the Lord is your shade at your right hand. By day the sun cannot harm you, nor the moon by night. The Lord will guard you from all evil, the Lord will guard your coming and going both now and forever.