Muchas Gracias

Here’s some more stuff on the list of things I’m grateful for today:

-Pumpkin spice coffee creamer

-Having a job, let alone two that I love. This was the last week of chem labs, which was a perfect job for me. I’ll only be helping with one class next semester, but at least it’s something to keep me in lab. I’m also realizing how much I enjoy tutoring. It’s pretty cool to watch people learn. I’ve also had a couple people admit they like math or chemistry now, and they didn’t at the beginning of the semester. I’ve always said I could never be a teacher, but I’ve changed my mind.

-Enjoying school despite it’s stressfulness

-Journaling

-God continuing to reveal Himself even though I’m exhausted and don’t know what to do with everything He’s showing me.

-Singing in the car

-Talking about God and drinking mint hot chocolate with friends

-$0.49 rentals at blockbuster. I got five movies, popcorn, and a soda for $4.35. That is fantastic. It has been far too long since I’ve just sat and watched a movie without multitasking. Well, I’m blogging right now. But that makes me happy, so it’s a win-win situation.

-Starbucks holiday happy hour

-Snow. That sounds ridiculous because I’ve been dreading winter since May. I’m not excited about the cold, but for some reason watching the snow was incredibly calming tonight. Driving in it? Not so much.


-Having normal roommates, and not the crazy ones you hear horror stories about 

-Sweatpants and moccasins

-The excitement that comes with knowing I’ll be home this time next week


-Having halloween sugar cookies made by Gramma and Grampa in the freezer


-The fact that I'm going to sleep in tomorrow

-Feeling content watching movies and eating popcorn, even though I have an obscene amount of homework. For the time being I simply need to relax and enjoy the moment.

Silly Little Tree

Today is important to me, so I went back and read this. Did I really write that? Apparently I did, and I vaguely remember doing so. After reading it, I wish I felt energized to go out and live life to the full. Not so much. I’m angry with myself for giving up all of that gratefulness and hope and joy that I had last year. At first I thought it was stolen from me, because there was no way I would have been willing to give up those things that brought me so much life. Who in their right mind would trade happiness for discontent? This girl, right here. 

Here’s how I picture the tradeoff: I gave God my heart. I surrendered, and He filled my hands with goodness. They were overflowing with life, and I was satisfied. Then He started doing some stuff that I didn’t particularly enjoy, and I lost faith in His plan. So I took back my heart, and gave up the goodness that was in my life. All in exchange for having control, because I didn’t think God knew what He was doing. And my heart became hardened in my own hands. The really unfortunate part about this is that I had no idea this little tradeoff happened. It was sometime over the summer, and I knew something was going terribly wrong in my soul, but I’m just now seeing what the problem is. And so here I sit asking myself, “If tomorrow doesn’t come, will you be happy with who you were today?” Nope. Not at all. 

The other day I read a blog that asked if Truth could be tiring. After only reading the title my response was- of course it can be! Jesus is wearing me out right now. Turns out that’s not what the entry was about, but sometimes when your mind takes things out of context, you realize what you’re truly thinking. Anyways, shortly following my immediate answer I quickly realized I’m the one making myself tired. I’m resisting Jesus. You know the I am a tree bending beneath the weight of His wind and mercy line from How He Loves? I’m the tree. A ridiculously stubborn tree who won’t just fall over already so Jesus can build me up and change me in such a way that will bring Him glory.

So the obvious thing for me to do is to just surrender, right? Well, yeah, but that’s really hard. Here’s what I see in my mind right now: Jesus and I were hanging out just fine until life started to get a little crazy and chaotic. I saw that junk more than I could see Him, and I ran away to find other comforters (not the blankets) and anything that would bring me peace. So now the craziness is separating me from Jesus, but He is the only One who can bring me the peace I’m desperately seeking and needing. The problem is, I’m going to have to step into the chaos before getting to Him. As I’m walking through it, He’ll rescue me. Side note: a synonym of chaos is hell. 

Taking that step sounds easy and well worth it. But I don’t know what all is going to happen when I let go and try to cross the chasm, so I'm scared of the disorder I'm going to experience. Instead of having faith, I’m white-knuckled trying to hold on to as much control in my life that I possibly can. It’s literally a death grip, because I’m killing my own soul. I’m quenching the Spirit. 

I’m aware that this all sounds really bad. But honestly, I’m tired of pretending that I have everything together. Sometimes following Jesus is hard, and I’m not going to leave those parts out of my story. But you know what the weird thing is? There is still this part of me that knows good will come out of this. I guess that's the small part of the Spirit still living in my hardened heart. 

So today I’m going to be more grateful, and hopefully tonight I will feel content. What’s first on my list of things to be thankful for? God’s patience. 

Galatians 5:7-8

You were running well, who hindered you from following the truth? That enticement does not come from the one who called you.

Introducing Mr. Phillips

If you’ve never heard of Preson Phillips, well that’s ok. But go here and you can get his music for free. I highly recommend doing so. These songs have been on repeat for the past couple weeks. They’re simple, full of peace and hope, and beautiful, which are things my heart could use a little of right now. 

Deuteronomy 31:6

Be brave and steadfast; have no fear or dread of them, for it is the Lord, your God, who marches with you; he will never fail you or forsake you.

More Than You Think You Are

One of my favorite ways to hear God is through lyrics. Especially from songs that are secular and I’ve heard before. I realize that this mostly happens with love songs, but God is in love with us, so it makes sense. Last night I was listening to Matchbox Twenty, because I was in the mood for one of my favorite albums. And this is what I heard...

I’m here for the hard times 

the straight to your heart times

whenever it ain’t easy

you can stand up against me

and maybe rely on me

and cry on me

Praise God for knowing how to tell me something exactly when I need to hear it. Then two songs later one of my favorites came on. Who knows how many times I’ve heard it before. But tonight it took on a completely different meaning, and it ended up turning into a crazy drama about me chasing God, His response, the enemy lying to me, and a choir joined in at one point. Pretty insane. 

That explanation does this experience no justice, but as Mr. Thomas later said in another song, “somehow the right thing to say just won’t come out.” I’ve been having that problem recently. With all of the things going through my mind you’d think I’d have a lot to say, but when I finally have the chance, I don’t even know what to talk about. It’s weird, and frustrating. But I realized that I don’t always speak my mind because I’m afraid that nobody will understand me, which would prove that it’s up to me to figure stuff out. So then I don’t say anything, and end up working through things on my own anyways. I confuse myself sometimes. 

i wonder how you sleep

i wonder what you think of me

if i could go back, would you have ever been with me?

i want you to be uneased

i want you to remember

i want you to believe in me

i want you on my side

come on and lay it down

i’ve always been with you

here and now

give all that’s within you

be my savior

and i’ll be your downfall

here we go again

ashamed of being broken in

we’re getting off track

i want to get you back again

i want you to trouble me

i wanted you to linger

i want you to agree with me

i want so much so bad

come on and lay it down

i’ve always been with you

here and now

give all that’s within you

be my savior

and i’ll be your downfall

be my savior

Only Love Can Save Us Now

Come Lay Me Down

Only Love Can Save Us Now

i’ll be your downfall

Only Love Can Save Us Now

Love Save Me Now

lay it down

i’ve always been with you

hear me now

with all that’s within you

be my savior

and i’ll be your downfall

now i’m back on my own

lift my feet, they’re like made of stone

i’ll make you go where i go

it’s killing me

can i take you home?

well i’m coming home on my back

is it me or is she painted black?

let me be your downfall

let me be your downfall, baby