Claim the Victory

seal my heart and break my pride

As my last post clearly demonstrates, I have a bit of a control problem. When I don’t know what’s going on, I have the horrible tendency to freak my freak. If I understand something, then I feel like things are in order. If I don’t, well that just isn’t ok with me. This need for me to come to an understanding of something is handy when it comes to things like chemistry and math. However, it is soul-killing when it comes to me believing that I can figure out how God works. So what is the little voice that tells me I can reduce the Creator of the universe into a formula? Pride. Not only was it the cause of the fall, but it is at the root of everything else that keeps us from God. As said in a horribly stereotypical Christian movie that I couldn’t stop watching on Netflix, “Scratch the surface of any sin and you’ll find pride underneath.”

After seeing once again that I could use some humility in my life, I’ve also been reminded that I’m not going to figure out everything and how it’s all going to turn out before it happens. How quickly I forget that life is always moving forward, but God is merciful when it comes to my stubborn heart. I just need to trust the process, and stop trying to understand how life works. Easier typed than lived. 

"God is not what you imagine or what you think you understand. If you understand you have failed." -St. Augustine

Questions

when all of a sudden i am unaware of these afflictions eclipsed by Glory, and i realize just how beautiful You are and how great Your affections are for me

The other day when this came on it seemed like I was hearing it for the first time, and it was great. After listening to the song some more I found that this line actually describes what I’m afraid of, which is good and bad. It's good because up until now I haven’t been able to say what exactly it is that scares me, and bad because now I have to deal with that fear. I’m afraid that I won't see His Glory shine through my afflictions. 

What if I’ve spent over a year thinking about this surgery, it comes, and nothing happens? 

What if after talking about how great God is, people don’t see Him?

What if I’m expecting something big, but I remain unchanged? 

What if I’m disappointed after all this waiting?
What if I fail?

What if all of my questions are never answered? 

Jesus and baseball

Last friday my familia and I went to the Diamondbacks game, which is one of my favorite things to do. The best part of the night wasn’t even the game, but the Crowder Band concert afterwards. Sitting in the ballpark was an amazing place to worship. To top it all of they played this...

If you’ve ever been around me when it’s played, you know how much I love it. As I told my brother, if I get to heaven and walk out of a dugout onto a field and sing Crowder forever, I wouldn’t complain. To which he replied, if you get to heaven I don’t think you’d really be complaining about anything. The wisdom that comes out of that kid’s mouth sometimes makes me forget that he's fifteen. Then he starts chasing a mosquito around the living room saying that he's going to dog whistle its brains out and confuse it with a flashlight app.

   

Revelation 7:16-17

They will not hunger or thirst anymore, nor will the sun or any heat strike them. For the Lamb who is in the center of the throne will shepherd them and lead them to springs of life-giving water, and God will wipe away every tear from their eyes.

The Date is Set

It’s official. My cysta is being taken out on June 6th. The day that I’ve only been able to think about hypothetically for the past year has finally become real. The plan is still to use a scope, which will only require a few small incisions. Except they may have to as the surgeon said, “open up your ribs a little.” Guess that's better than opening them a lot. Whether or not that happens will depend on what kind of adhesions I have from old surgeries, and they won’t know what those are like until I’m in surgery. The hospital stay will be a couple days, but that depends on how long it takes my chest tube to stop draining. Recovery will be 4-6 weeks, but how invasive the surgery is will make that time shorter or longer. Basically everything depends on something else, not much is known with any kind of certainty, and nothing will be determined until June 6th. 

All of those unknowns are starting to make me anxious. First off, because I’m not in control of anything. Then there’s anticipation since I’ve been waiting a while for the conclusion of my cysta saga. I’m fighting to remain confident knowing that God knows how this is all going to play out. He did plan everything, after all. But there is an intense battle going on between having that kind of faith and relying on myself instead. I want to have hope, but the first step in attaining that hope is enduring affliction. So I’m trying to be at rest knowing that if I seek His face throughout this, then His Presence and Glory will be shown. That is a concept that has only been words up until this point. Now that I have to live that out and suffer, I'm finding that my fight is just getting started.

Psalm 119:75-76

I know, Lord, that your edicts are just; though you afflict me, you are faithful. May your love comfort me in accord with your promise to your servant. 

Why Does That Guy Have a Blue Bonduni?

This past week I was in Northbrook, which is right outside of Chicago, for an extended visit for my godson’s first Communion. Much time was spent playing catch, pushing swings, wishing Adam Levine would marry me, and watching tae kwon do, little league, adult instructional hockey, lord of the rings, the lion king, and other various children’s shows. Oh, I just love the windy city.

2 John 1:4

I rejoiced greatly to find some of your children walking in the truth just as we were commanded by the Father.