Now I do have days where I have zero motivation to do anything, and end up watching movies for an entire afternoon. Unfortunately those only happen because I get burned out, and cannot possibly complete one more task. Even more unfortunate is the fact that I’m not even relaxed during these moments of rest. My mind is still going over all of the things I need to get done.
I know this is wrong and that no matter how much I push myself, at some point I have to take a break. This semester I was going nonstop every day, and in some twisted way I loved it. If I’m busy, then I’m getting stuff done, which makes me feel accomplished, and that makes me happy. And being the lame human that I am, I will do the things that make me happy.
Running makes me happy. I would run three or four days a week because I didn’t want to wreck my legs and end up getting hurt. That strategy worked well until right before thanksgiving. I went a couple weeks without running because I don’t know why, but I’m sure it was a good reason at the time. Then I got home for thanksgiving and went all out with the running. It felt amazing and I was good for a while. Then right before Christmas break my knee starting hurting like a mother bear. So during break I told myself, “self, take it easy on the running.” I did, but it didn’t help.
I hate going to the doctor, because most of the time nothing good comes out of it. But the only reason I agreed to go was because I want to run. Turns out I really did something to my knee, but luckily it’s fixable and will hopefully be okay in a couple weeks.
Know how I did it? Overuse. Know the best way to make it better? Rest. Know how I feel about it? I hate it.
I’ve gone a week without any physical activity besides walking the dog, and the only thing keeping me from running is the fear of messing it up more and not being able to run for a longer amount of time.
I’ve gone a week without any physical activity besides walking the dog, and the only thing keeping me from running is the fear of messing it up more and not being able to run for a longer amount of time.
Through this I know that I’m supposed to be learning how to rest and be still. Not just with running but in my relationship with God too. That is painfully evident right now, and I’m just starting to explore this whole resting idea. I have no idea what to do. Doing nothing doesn’t make sense. How will I learn anything without working? Am I not supposed to be moving towards a goal?
This is incredibly frustrating because the past few months I’ve been reading everything I could, running, introspecting to the point of exhaustion, and fighting. Now it’s like God is just telling me to stop everything that I've been doing, which just seems crazy. I'm confused and don't know what I'm supposed to do now, and all I want to do is go for a run.
Be still and know that I am God!
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