It’s kind of a tradition to write on this day, (old blogs: 11/18/10, 11/18/11) so I figured it was a good time to come back from my writing hiatus. After reading those posts, I was struck by how I have been in a different place each year. Really, I don’t know why this is such a surprise to me. Maybe because at the time I wrote them, I was so sure of myself and thought my view on life would never change. Oh, but I’m constantly being reminded of how life is always moving forward. At first, I was all about living in the moment and doing what you want when you have the chance. The following year I was flat out angry and bitter. This year I have no idea how I’d label my view of life. I do know for certain that it isn’t anything like what it has been before. I’m living in the moment, but not in the positive way I originally intended. Now all I can see is the present: school assignments, studying, IV meetings, working out, tutoring, sleeping (maybe?). Everything has been turned into a checklist.
The worst part is that when something amazing is happening, I can’t even recognize what is going on because I'm already thinking about what's next on my to do list. A couple of times I have sat down and written out things from this semester that I'm thankful for. After getting about 10 things on the list I have to stop, because I get overwhelmed by how powerful God is. Still, when those things were actually happening it’s like the weight of them never registered with me. In the moment I’m aware that something important is going on, but I’ve already moved to the next thing I have to do.
This weird disconnect between my mind and reality honestly made me think I was becoming schizophrenic for a while. Turns out I was just sleep deprived. Why I strive for perfection to the point of exhaustion doesn’t make any sense to me, but I do know that I have a deeply rooted desire to prove myself. Prove what, you ask? I say, I don’t know. Hence why I’ve started writing again. Slowly, things are coming to the surface that Jesus wants me to deal with. Sigh, but I trust the process.
Again, I don’t know how to label this moment in my life. I do know that where I am now is completely different than where I was three years ago. If you were to have asked me then if I thought that in the future I would be a college student living in Utah, I would have said absolutely not. If you had asked if I thought I would be part of a community of people who truly loved me, I would have told you to stop asking me stupid questions and leave me alone. The change that has happened over the course of just three years is ridiculous, quite honestly. It makes me grateful to be serving a God who takes such good care of his children no matter where they are in life. He is sovereign, and I can’t wait to see where he guides me in the next few years.
Thus says the Lord, your redeemer,
the Holy One of Israel:
I, the Lord, your God,
teach you what is for your good,
and lead you on the way you should go.
