I’ve been wanting to write for a while now, but the problem was that I had no clue how to put my thoughts into words. My brain, but mostly my heart, was on an information overload. In the past month or so I have found myself in a weird spot in my relationship with God. I’m in the middle of a desert season/dark night of the soul/dry season/whatever you want to call it. This is something that I’ve never experienced before, but I will let you know right now that it is freaking me out a little bit. Don’t let the name trick you though. It’s not a time of despair or depression. It’s a restlessness because I can’t see where God is or where I’m going. You know, because it’s dark. What I wouldn't give for a flashlight right about now.
As much as I hate it, I know this really is a good thing. God is teaching me more about Him than I ever knew before. Turns out, He’s pretty big. Far bigger than the box that I thought my tiny human mind could contain him in. Numerous times during this night season I’ve asked God where He was and told Him I couldn’t see or hear Him anymore. Well in the past month or two His response has been, “Yeah, michelle? You can’t see or hear me? Well check this out!” And He then proceeded to bombard me with His Word, different lyrics, and words spoken in conversations with others, all of which has left me amazed and overwhelmed by His depth and perfection. He has also been using this as a time for me to learn more about myself. I’ve discovered the reasons behind why I do almost everything, and I’ve been feeling pretty humbled lately.
Over the past year the concept of faith has been coming up in almost every single religious activity I’ve attended. It was a little ridiculous. So me, being the studious and logical person that I am, attempted to understand what faith was. Warning: the Bible doesn’t contain one definition for faith. During that time I thought it kept coming up because I needed more faith before my life could improve or in order for my prayers to be answered. Yeah, I was wrong about that one. Having faith is trusting that God is taking care of you even when He doesn’t do things the way you think He should. I think faith was coming up (and continues to come up) because God was trying to show me that I was going to need it in the months to come. And I do need it. Desperately. So this night that my soul is currently in is a deepening of faith.
I want more of God. I want Him to show me more about His heart, and what that means about my own heart. I want to learn as much as possible, and experience Him in new ways. The problem is that my faith needs to grow first, which means that it needs to be tested. That test is by fire, and that means that the proving of my faith is going to hurt. Some days I refuse to let God test me because I’m afraid of how much it will hurt, or my heart is just too tired to endure another beating. And so I don’t surrender myself to Him. I don’t understand what he’s doing, so I find it incredibly difficult to just hand myself over. But if I have true faith, then I will be more than willing to let Him use me in any way that will show others who He is. When morning finally breaks, I hope that my heart will be at peace with that kind of faith keeping it alive.
Rejoice not over me, O my enemy! Though I have fallen, I will arise; though I sit in darkness, the Lord is my light.
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