Senioritis

I go back to Utah tomorrow for my last year at Weber. Honestly, I already want it to be over. I want to be done, graduate, and move on. It’s not that I don’t enjoy being in Ogden. I love my friends, and I’ve missed them. It’s everything that I’m going to have to do this year that is keeping me from being excited. I’m bored with the routine of studying, social functions, exams, etc. The only thing I’m looking forward to this year is graduation. It’s April 25th, in case you were wondering. 
A phrase we used at camp this summer was, “First, Last, and Only.” Even though we went through four weeks of camp and did the same activities every week, the campers only had one week of camp. Each day was their first, last, and only chance to have certain experiences. So going into this year, my prayer is that I remember it is my first, last, and only senior year at Weber State. At this point I feel like this year will be similar to the three before. However, just like each week of camp was different, each year of college will be different. We also said, “Last Week, Best Week.” Despite my lack of excitement, I will remain hopeful my last year will be the best yet.

Psalm 26:3

Your love is before my eyes; 

I walk guided by your faithfulness.

Hitting the Wall

“At camp...” is something I’ve probably said hundreds of times since coming back from Georgia. I’ve talked about living with the other missionaries, kids I met, and other random stories. Today it finally sunk in how different camp was from the life I’m living now. Everyone talks about coming back from retreats and camps on a spiritual high, which wears off after a few days or a couple weeks if you’re lucky. I’ve experienced the “Jesus high” before, but I’ve never really had trouble with settling back into every day life. Praise God I’ve been able to take whatever happened at camp and let it transform how I live. But it hasn’t been that way this time around. I was on a six week retreat, so I guess it makes sense that my transition would be difficult. Still, this is not quite what I envisioned happening.

At camp it seemed like God taught me multiple things during personal or communal prayer, homilies, sessions, or praise and worship. I journaled nearly every day, but today was the first time I had since returning from camp. To go from praying hours a day, immersed in an environment focused on leading people to encounter Jesus to a world filled with deadlines, obligations, and expectations has been like hitting a brick wall. 
At camp I felt so in-step with the Spirit that I could feel myself loving others from the overflow of God’s love for me. I could tell when I was doing something purely because of God’s grace and not my own strength. I could clearly see how God was answering prayers. But now it seems like none of that is going on. 
At camp I said I was returning to my life with the resolution to be centered around prayer. Honestly, that hasn’t happened at all. I speed through morning and night prayer, if I even do it. I’ve read a couple chapters of a book, and you already know there has been zero journaling. And to my dear missionary brothers and sisters, I can hardly speak to you because it makes me wish I was back at camp. 

Living out your faith is easy when that’s what your entire day is about. Your faith is tested when you enter into the world where you are bombarded with messages that are completely opposite of what Jesus tells his followers. 
So now, by God’s grace, I move forward in my journey. Although it looks nothing like it did at camp, I have faith my experiences transformed me. I will trust Jesus is holding my hand as I try to become grounded in prayer and center my life around my relationship with him.

Teach me to do your will, for you are my God. May your kind spirit guide me on ground that is level. For your name’s sake, Lord, give me life; in your justice lead me out of distress.

Psalm 143:10-11