Give Me Faith to Trust What You Say

Any time that you spend in scripture you will learn something new as long as you’re open and don’t speed read. But when you spend almost two hours on one passage, you see details that you haven’t noticed before. It all makes much more sense when you know background information about Jewish culture, and every detail begins to have meaning. It was through these details that Jesus was trying to show the disciples that He was the Messiah they had been waiting for. They didn’t figure it out until the second to last verse we read, so Jesus had to heal and cast out demons in numerous people, feed thousands with just a few loaves of bread and fish, walk on water, calm a storm, and at one point He flat out said He was the Messiah. Still, the disciples weren’t picking up what Jesus was laying down. Or maybe they did recognize the signs, but just didn’t want to believe it. 

There were 19 people in our Mark 1 group, and were all pretty frustrated with the disciples, and couldn’t understand why they didn’t understand. But then I realized, how many times do we fail to see God in our lives? He’s in everything, every detail, every person, every good thing, even in every bad thing, yet sometimes we still don’t see Him. 

Throughout the week, one of the main themes that kept coming up was the difference between having a hard heart or a soft heart. A hard heart keeps us from having complete faith and trust in God, while a soft heart is able to fully give itself over to Him. 

Of course, I would like to say that I have a soft heart. However, I quickly realized that there were still some parts that were hardened, and had been for a long time. Throughout the week God basically beat the crap out of those hardened areas with a giant (but holy) mallet. It was painful at the time, but in the end, I couldn't be happier.

There are still times that I doubt and wonder if everything I believe in is wrong and think that none of what I’ve experienced is real. When that happens I feel panicked and out of control. Similar to how I feel right before I know someone is coming over and I’m running around the house picking up and trying not to break out in a sweat. I don’t enjoy it. Then I think about who I’ve put my trust in, the God I’ve given my heart to, and I immerse myself in what He’s done and has promised. Then my panic turns into joy and hope, and I’m reassured that what I believe is right and that it’s what I want to devote my life to.

One of my favorite passages we read was when Jesus calmed a storm at sea. He told the disciples “"Let us cross to the other side [of the sea]." Then a storm hits, the disciples freak out, and Jesus is sleeping. So they wake Him up asking, “Teacher, do you not care that we are perishing?” He calms the storm, and questions their doubt, “Why are you terrified? Do you not yet have faith?” 

At this point Jesus hadn’t fully displayed His power, so I wasn’t exactly sure what the disciples were supposed to have faith in. Well, Jesus told them they were going across the sea, but in the middle of their journey they doubted what He had told them was going to happen. 

I think it’s safe to say that when things don't go the way I want them to, my first reaction is to question God’s plan. I feel like I’m out navigating a boat in a storm and Jesus is just sleeping in the back, not caring about what’s going on. Just like the disciples, I quickly forget that God has told me how His plan will turn out for me.

Romans 8:28

We know that all things work for good for those who love God, who are called according to his purpose.

Camp showed me how much I need child-like faith. Where I depend on God and trust Him to take care of me. Just like how I looked at my parents when I was younger (ok, maybe I still depend on my parents a lot now). I have faith that God’s plan for me is better than anything I could come up with. When things don’t go the way I think they should, instead of freaking out and questioning God, I’ll simply sit at His feet as He’s sleeping on my boat. After all, He’s still in the boat with me. He hasn’t left me to get through life on my own.

Mark 10:13-16

And people were bringing children to him that he might touch them, but the disciples rebuked them. When Jesus saw this he became indignant and said to them, "Let the children come to me; do not prevent them, for the kingdom of God belongs to such as these. Amen, I say to you, whoever does not accept the kingdom of God like a child will not enter it." Then he embraced them and blessed them, placing his hands on them.

Shut Up and Get the Bread!

Alright, I apologize for not being a timely blogger and for waiting a few days before I tell you about events in my life (even if they’re random and pointless). I’m sure that when you check my blog (as you do every morning) and it isn’t updated, a small feeling of sadness stays with you for the rest of the day. Here’s the problem: I’m an overachiever (which is also problematic in other areas of my life that have nothing to do with blogging) so I can’t just write something and then post it the same day. It takes me a couple days to edit and make sure that I’ve said everything I want to. I’m not sure if this is how you’re supposed to blog. It’s not like you go back through your journal and edit. But this is my blog, so I do what I want. Respect my s’mikhah.

Speaking of s’mikhah (for all you non-Jewish scholars that’s hebrew for authority) let me tell you about spring break. I went with InterVarsity to Glorieta, New Mexico for chapter camp and we spent the week studying the first half of Mark. I will go into further detail of how amazing camp was soon, but here are some pictures that will hopefully fend off your lack-of-Michelle’s-blog sadness. 

Mark 5:41

He [Jesus] took the child by the hand and said to her, "Talitha koum," which means, "Little girl, I say to you, arise!"

Rosa Parks: Civil Rights Activist, Chemist

The past couple weeks have been ridiculously busy. It was unbelievable. But you know what? I enjoyed it. I love being busy because it makes me feel productive. Now, I’m not asking for another week where I have three exams and a five page paper due. I’d be quite alright with a workload somewhere between nonstop studying and having a movie day because there isn’t anything else to do.

Since I would call myself a chem nerd, I procrastinate chemistry the most out of all my classes. I don’t think I’m smart, I just know a lot of chemistry. I know so much that on a test a couple weeks ago I missed a question because my knowledge of the topic was more in depth than what we discussed in class. Really? I lost five points because I know too much? What a pain in the acetate. 

You know what else is a pain? Our exams. Each question is worth five points because there are only twenty questions. Then most of them are annoying “word” questions. Come on! Give me some math problems! I’m aware that I should understand the concepts and be able to explain them, but how do you think I know how to do the math problems? Today this was one of our questions, and it was also a fill in the blank, “What did Rosa Park’s husband tell her she must do before he would marry her? Hint: She couldn’t do it before because she was trying to earn money to support her family.” What? I read the chapter and don’t recall reading anything about Rosa Parks. Even if she is mentioned, I refuse to go back and look through the chapter. What does she have to do with chemistry anyways? Luckily, I think we got credit for writing anything for an answer. But still, I blame this question for any others that I missed because of the distress it caused. Was this question just to see who reads the book? How about we look at the grades and see who is passing the class. That's probably the best indicator of who is paying attention to the material. 

A majority of the time this class flat out makes me mad and frustrated. I just wish that I could go back to this chemistry class...

I would also like to be back in this room, where I could “trust the process” and not be worried about seemingly pointless exam questions or losing points because I know more than everyone else.

Well now that I have succeeded in making myself feel angry and bitter, let’s talk about something else. During my busy week of studying, my background music was Explosions in the Sky. I’ve decided that when anyone reads my writing, they have to listen to EITS. My writing would seem far better and much more climactic. 

Now, go back and read this while listening to the above song. Exciting, right? You could even read this post and it would seem like an award-winning essay.

This guy know good music when he hears it.
Please note the Tranformer's sticker.

What A Magical Trip

Last weekend my mom, cousin Kathleen, Aunt Alison, and I ran all over San Francisco. Our travels were based on where we could eat, which of course means it was a grand time. Unfortunately, we never met up with this guy, but I guess that means we'll just have to get together for another weekend.

I had a three hour layover in Phoenix, so I was able to spend some time with my whole family. Robert made some salsa, which was quite amazing. This sounds ridiculous, but I swear that the sky in Arizona looks completely different than the sky in Utah. It's probably all of the pollution in Utah that makes the sky look weird. Anyways, I prefer the Arizona sky and Prescott sunsets. Sidenote in connection with an earlier post: I described Prescott sunsets as legit in my english class, and I'm sure you can imagine the looks I got for that one.

How is this guy not constantly bawling from
chopping all these onions?

I looked all over the place for the Full House crew (ok, maybe just for Uncle Jesse)

but I couldn't find them anywhere.

Be Mine

Today is just heart day all around. Not only is it Valentine’s Day, but it's also Congenital Heart Defect Awareness Day. I think that this is a very worthy cause (the heart defect part, not the buying chocolates part) that not very many people know about, so I’m going to try and make you aware. And this whole heart deal makes me who I am, so it's pretty important to me.

Proverbs 27:19 

As one face differs from another, so does one human heart from another.

It took me a few days to write this post because I wasn’t exactly sure what to say. I could write a book about all of my experiences, and maybe I will someday, but it's impossible to summarize everything. It's all connected, so I couldn’t just tell you about one event, because then I’d have to explain the story that came before that. And I really don’t have the time to write the whole saga that is my life.

I was going to explain how blessed I am because I have a normal life. Then I took a step back and realized that to almost anyone else, my life is far from normal. Really though, what is normal? I don’t think there is a set standard in existence. Everyone has their own normal.

My normal is being excited that I don’t have to go to the doctor for another year instead of six months. My normal is knowing what TGA, ASO, ECMO, and QTc stand for. My normal is questioning if there is anyone else who thinks about life the same way I do. My normal is wondering if the shirt I’m wearing is going to cover my scar. Sidenote:  You know what I’ve always thought my scar looked like? Rafiki’s stick. Maybe that explains why I love The Lion King so much. And I’m totally comfortable with my scar. However, I’m not comfortable with people staring, or the awkward feeling when they want to ask what it’s from, but don’t because they're afraid to offend me or something.

I’ve always thought that this was just something that happened. Life can’t always perfect, and I’m one of those whole fall in the imperfect category. Well, there is a specific reason God made me the way He did. This didn’t just happen, it was planned.

Psalm 139:14-18 

I praise you, so wonderfully you made me; wonderful are your works! My very self you knew; my bones were not hidden from you, when I was being made in secret, fashioned as in the depths of the earth. Your eyes foresaw my actions; in your book all are written down; my days were shaped, before one came to be. How precious to me are your designs, O God; how vast the sum of them! Were I to count, they would outnumber the sands; to finish, I would need eternity.

So why did God plan this for me? I don’t know. For now, I know that I need to use my experiences to help others. Those who are like me, who are searching for anyone who knows what they’re going through. And maybe somehow along the way, I might inspire someone in the 95.5% of the population who was born with a normal heart. I won’t fully come to understand God’s reason for this until I’ve done everything He wanted me to do. Then He will show me what the purpose of everything was. And what an amazing day that will be. 

God is perfect, so He didn’t make a mistake when he created my heart. Oh, oops isn’t a phrase in His vocabulary. He looked at my heart and said, That is beautiful, and it’s going to do good things. He says that every time He creates something. If He didn’t mess up when He made me, then He certainly didn’t make a mistake when He made you.

Genesis 1:31

God looked at everything he had made, and he found it very good. 

Just Chillin' Out in Utah

I don’t have anything to report that I can devote an entire post too, so I’ll just talk about some random happenings in my life.

All of my classes this semester are ten minutes apart, unlike last semester when I could go back to the dorms between class. I’m done in time to go to Mass over at the Newman Center, so by the time I get back home it’s about 1:00. Now I know that a five hour day isn’t that bad. Actually, it’s pretty dang nice. However, I’m discovering that I don’t exactly have the same energy that I did a few years ago. How did we survive going to school for seven hours a day for twelve years? I really wish that I could have the energy of a fourteen year old again. I suppose there’s a reason why people start to drink coffee when they’re seventeen.

My english class is all about nature writing. We read about what others have said about nature, we write a response, and then we have a class discussion. Since it’s an honors class, a majority of the people feel that it’s necessary to sound intelligent. First off, you’re in an honors class. We know you’re smart. Secondly, I’m in the same honors class, so I’m smart too. Therefore, I’m not impressed by your use of obscure and lengthy adjectives. The other day I said something to the effect of, “you know, if you’re just chillin' out in the forrest...” and the people in my group acted as though they had never heard a person say the word chillin' before. 

Many people have asked what I think about Utah. Translation: “How is it living in the mormon capital of the world?” It’s hard to explain, but you can just feel the difference between the culture of Utah and the culture of Arizona. About 60% of Utah is LDS, and as ogden-ut.com says, “Ogden is also the most diverse of Utah's cities, with a non-Mormon population exceeding 50%” Glad to see I live in a culturally diverse city.  

Here are some examples of what it’s like to go to college in Utah. Last week we played jeopardy, and this guy missed his question and responded with, “Fuh!” He didn’t say the whole world, but you would’ve thought he did. The whole class began to laugh, and it sounded like little kids when they hear their parents swear for the first time. Then the last thing we read in english was an excerpt from a book about a man's adventures on the Appalachian Trail. Our instructor actually used white out to cover up some profanity. Really? Are we not in college? Oh yeah, that’s right. We’re going to college in Utah. 

Ogden’s weather is slightly colder than in Prescott. A few days ago there were 35 mph winds that made the windshield -15. I enjoy the cold when it’s refreshing, but I don’t appreciate it when it just takes your breath away. It’s my breath, and nothing has the right to steal it.

These temperatures turned poor Jasper into a freezer. Unfortunately, I forgot to remember what happens when you freeze carbonated drinks. Yesterday when I was driving I heard this high pitched squealing. I thought it was the radio, and then I remembered the 2 liter bottle of soda behind my seat that I bought last weekend. Of course, it froze and then started to leak all over the place. Fortunately, the explosion just happened so the mess wasn’t too out of control. 

Jasper hadn’t been taken to the car wash in probably three months, so I took him for a bath a couple weeks ago. We went to a nice car wash because I wanted to make sure all of the salt would be cleaned off. Well, this nice car wash was $11. Naturally, it snowed the next day. The advantage to going to a nice car wash is that they have 48 hour guarantees. Jasper really didn't need another bath, but the fact that he was getting one for free made me feel good. 

And then I found 5 bucks.

Hebrews 13:1-2

Let mutual love continue. Do not neglect hospitality, for through it some have unknowingly entertained angels.

Spaghetti is the Perfect Post-War Meal

Dinner was out on the deck of a friend’s cabin. The sun had just set when a pack of wolves arrived. Luckily we were thirty feet above the ground, making it difficult for them to reach us. Those of us that were on the swings were safe as well because they were thirty feet tall as well (the swings, not the people). The wolves were upset and wanted to eat us. Then we heard that everyone in town was having a meeting, and we quickly forgot the wolves.

Now thousands of people were assembled in an open field next to a mall type of building. Everyone was in line to go into what looked like the back of a C130 plane. I can’t recall why this was happening, but I’m sure there was a good reason. The line was covered even though it was night, and there were picnic tables too. I noticed a few people had war paint on their faces, but I thought nothing of it. As I was standing about one-hundred feet from the plane (I’m not sure what happened to my group) an army of vampires came out of the plane and began attacking everyone. It was mayhem. To add to the madness, an army (of humans) complete with helicopters and biohazard suits showed up and started fighting the vampires. Unfortunately, they decided to just kill everything, including all of the humans. There were bombs, fires, guns, and chaos.

I managed to escape to a nearby armored vehicle and slid behind a tire to hide from the spotlight of a helicopter. On the opposite tire was a soldier who must not have been paying attention, because I was somehow able to take his uniform and gun. I got up and headed toward the mall. As I went to fire my gun I discovered that it shot flaming bullets the size of softballs. I also discovered that I had the ability to fly. I didn’t fly above everything, but zoomed just over everyone’s heads at a high rate of speed. For some reason I believed I would be safe inside the mall. 

The inside of this mall had futuristic technology and small hallways. Kind of like Star Wars. People were running all over as I flew above them. Suddenly I seemed to be alone in the building and an announcement stated that it was alright to leave. I took an elevator and then found my way outside. There seemed to only be a few survivors from the attack, and I had no idea where to go. Some cars were driving by to see what had happened, so I hitchhiked with a vato in an old lowrider. I told him about the vampires, but he thought I was some crazy teenage girl who read Twilight too many times. So I explained that I had read the books, and these vampires were far more scary. Then we stopped at an italian restaurant and sat on the patio.

I have some pretty crazy dreams, qué no?